Dave prompted us this month with deep questions about church; church as place, as people, as spiritual practice. You can read his reflection and others’ responses here.

I’ve been mulling over Dave’s post and questions all week. It’s difficult to separate my spiritual journey from church – they have been intertwined since birth. I use to say being Catholic was as much an ethnicity for me as it was a religion. I was immersed in the language and rhythms of Catholicity growing up. First it was Irish priests and nuns and Catholic grammar school. Thankfully, the cost for working class parents with five children meant a transition to public school by the time I entered fourth grade. And then we found the Jesuits.

The Jesuit priest who married my husband and me used to say, “If you HAVE to go to mass on a Sunday then you may as well not go.” I think this was my first introduction to listening for God in a very practical way. Jesuit spirituality has continued to form my heart ever since. Thank God for “Finding God in all things” – one of the foundational principles of what would become St. Ignatius of Loyola’s Jesuit exercises.

By the time my parents’ first grandchild was born, I was able to comfort my dad who was very concerned that her names did not include any saint. “Do you really think God loves this child any less because she doesn’t have a saint’s name?”

I’ve studied and listened to God with children for 25 years. I earned my M.A. in Pastoral Theology. I have volunteered in church parishes. I have worked for Jesuit schools. I am part of a beautiful, large, loving, “raised Catholic” family. And somewhere in the last 3 years I let go of going to church. Some of it grew from the pandemic shut-downs. Some of it was in response to a self-centered priest who could not find it in himself to minister to my sister’s dying husband. Some of it is wrapped in the disappointment of an organization who should be walking-the-talk when it comes to welcoming those on the margins.

But I also have always believed that the church is not just the priest or minister. We are the church. But Dave pointed out in his post, church is the delivery of the message of delivery. And I’m finding that the people have mucked up the message quite a bit and its delivery has become very messy.

I believe that God is the great Un-tangler of Knots (okay, I know, that’s really Mary, right?)… He’s got quite a big one on his hands these days. I’m still a believer. I grapple with stuck-prayer. But I know I am beloved – as is every person. I know that I am called to love – as is every person. And St. Ignatius reminds me: love is shown more in deeds than in words.

So I’m thinking these days – thank you, Dave – about people as the deliverers. What am I called to do now?