Welcome to our November Spiritual Journey!
I’ve been reflecting on doubt. As synchronicity would have it, this article “The Drawer Where I Keep My Doubts” found its way into my inbox a couple of weeks ago.
Professor, author, and essayist Jeff DeGraff writes:
Doubt, hesitation, unfinished questions, ‘small hauntings’—
these aren’t failures of willpower, but the raw material of growth.
Where does doubt fit into your spiritual journey?
Eighteen years ago, on the same morning that my eldest son was to have his senior portrait taken, his girlfriend of three years broke up with him. I remember that photo session. There was no getting him to smile. He was – is – a handsome young man. Thick sandy-blonde hair. Chiseled cheekbones. Kind eyes. Despite a beautiful set of straight teeth, his natural smile is lips-closed.
A generation has passed. I gazed at that portrait for years, seeing the resign of his jaw, the tilt of his head—sadness captured for posterity. In those formative high school years, he had begun to craft a narrative of himself. His sense of the world, of how and where he fit, was upended.
image courtesy of pixaby
I’m convinced that doubt lives in the imperfect space between who we are and who we think we want to be. Whether a teenager or a 60-something, we are not alone in this struggle.
But it takes the wisdom of years for most of us to see doubt as a first step toward making change. To see doubt as an avenue for embracing new possibilities. On the one hand, doubt encourages us to seek out truth, knowledge.
Afterall, questions are healthy. They can protect us from unnecessary risk. But the flip side of doubt is a sense of panic or fear: What if I’m wrong? What if I can’t figure this out? Doubt can wreak havoc on the story of ourselves that we show the world.
My mother reminds me often that, from an early age, I could convince anyone of anything. Over-confident and far-too-committed to my own beliefs, I was the poster child for “I may be wrong, but I’m never in doubt.” Somewhere between my 40’s and 50’s I grew into the wisdom that there was oh-so-much more unknown than known…that I could wonder without fixating on answers…that curiosity did not have to end in certainty…that no matter where I was in my life-journey, my story was not finished.
As DeGraff suggests, doubt can be a pause, a listening for clarity. Not every doubt resolves with time. Some do. Some are replaced with new ones. In learning to embrace doubt, I am finding humility.
These days doubt visits me regularly: As I delete newsletters from my old parish. As I stubbornly refuse to engage with a troublesome family member. When I worry about letting my 92-year-old mother remain alone in her house. Wondering about the future of my own aging-out experience. Whether I live my gratitude.
image courtesy of pixaby
So I’m trying now to cultivate doubt as a spiritual practice– deepening my capacity to sit with questions; allowing space for the sacred pause; learning to be comfortable living in the mystery.
Patricia Franz writes picture books and poetry. She believes children, dogs, and sourdough have a lot to teach us about life, joy, and wonder. She has raised two boys, four dogs, and holds a master’s degree in Theology with a focus on children’s spirituality. Patricia, her husband, her Bernese Mountain dog, Bonny, and her sourdough starter split their time between the Arizona desert and the Sierra Nevada mountains. 
Patricia, I haven’t written a post yet, but I am sitting next to you having coffee and talking about doubt and how it changes over the years. From your son’s lost love to your 92 year old mother, life has given you questions to ponder and doubt to juggle. Nobody gets through this life without them. Thanks for hosting us today.
Yes, our companion on the journey. Thank you, Margaret.
Wonderful post, Patricia!
A work-in-progress, I suppose!
I just remembered that I have a poem in a Christian poetry journal’s “Doubt” themed issue: https://www.amazon.com/Solum-Journal-VI-Riley-Bounds/dp/1965169082 Maybe a Spiritual Journey member will want to submit to them sometime.
Patricia, your prompt was such a vital one at this time of life that full of issues. (Your son’s story is one that came at a fragile time in his growing life. Thank you for sharing it.) Your words help me see that doubt can be a way to help me pause in a positive way, and to walk the spiritual journey without uncertainty.
I suppose it’s my way of not letting Doubt win…accepting its presence in my life, but giving it boundaries.
Patricia: Thanks for this great prompt and exploration of doubt. I agree that doubt is often the first step toward growth. For me it was an uncomfortable place, a vulnerable place. And really a place where I lied to myself. But then I grew to accept it is a healthy step, a needed step to growth. We have a prayer: “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” That’s where I am now. This has been a very busy autumn for me, so I doubt I’ll get a post together, but I thank you for hosting and wish you fresh insights as doubts arise.
Oh Karen! I pray that prayer quite often! Thank you for offering your thoughts in reply.
Patricia, thank you for hosting us this month. These words spoke to me, “doubt as a first step toward making change”. I can’t help but think of the advancements we have seen because someone doubted that the old way was the only and best way of doing things. Doubt may make us pause, but it doesn’t have to stop us.
Bob, “…it doesn’t have to stop us…” — such an important insight! I guess we have to remind ourselves to slow down, survey the road, then keep moving –perhaps revisiting the path until we feel comfortable moving forward. Thank you for this.