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“Now the rain makes way for the undulating call of cicadas at sunset, its rising and falling, the pulse of the world. The cicadas’ song overlaps the lighter, steadier call of the katydids and the percussive scritch of the crickets. Summer, summer, summer, they sing into the damp night. Summer, summer, summer, summer.”
The Nevermores studied line breaks for the past couple months. Rose provided an excerpt from Margaret Renkl’s The Comfort of Crows (“The Season of Singing” p. 134). Our assignment was to rewrite the prose passage as a poem.
Someone eavesdropping on our call would have giggled listening to the ooh’s and ahh’s as we took turns reading our various takes. If I were to try to conjure a simile, I would say: Reading Ms. Renkl’s writing is like watching someone you’re in love with…you’re mesmerized by how she moves no matter what she’s doing (Okay… permission to gag now …it’s very early as I type this and the brain is still half-asleep).
Take the challenge!
Rewrite this prose passage as a poem!
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Anyway, each of the Nevermores also brought a favorite poem to share to spotlight line breaks, which also led to conversations about enjambment. As always, Marcie shared with us extensive notes on the topic from workshops and poets and other exercises.
My takeaway: I am sooo dang blessed to spend time in the company of poetry aficionadas!
When our zoom call ended, I dove into an old poem and revised…What a happy afternoon! Here is proof of my efforts. I’m not sure which I like better…Yesterday’s revision is certainly tighter. I just loved the poetry workout!
Patricia Franz writes picture books and poetry. She believes children, dogs, and sourdough have a lot to teach us about life, joy, and wonder. She has raised two boys, four dogs, and holds a master’s degree in Theology with a focus on children’s spirituality. Patricia, her husband, her Bernese Mountain dog, Bonny, and her sourdough starter split their time between the Arizona desert and the Sierra Nevada mountains. 
I almost always write a better second draft by cutting out lots of unnecessary words…as you did. Your second draft is tighter, as you noted, and more poetic. Well done!
Patricia, this was a great recap of your Nevermores meeting. I tried the challenge and wrote a small found poem in her prose, and I thought your simile was just grand. She has written beautiful words. It is mesmerizing to watch someone craft words like this. I was fascinated seeing both versions of your poem, and I wondered if you felt a difference writing them in different seasons? I’m not sure which one of yours I like best either. I’m going to have to try tightening up a poem in a revision. I tend to use too many words.
What a fabulous re-write! I love how it captures the feelings with far fewer words. “snow spills stillness over eaves” is gorgeous. I can only imagine the zoom talk over line breaks…how fun!
Oh, what a challenge – to revisit something written so long ago, and shine it up. I love the immediacy of imagery that your tightening up produced.
Well done, Patricia! I especially like the image of the light bruising the clouds – beautiful! It is always a pleasure to learn along with you.
Yes! What an amazing rewrite. I love the line breaks. It was so great to spend time with you all waxing about line breaks.
Hi Patricia, I actually enjoyed both, but when really looking on enjambment, the 2nd is much tighter, seems to show first that hint, then, like all sunrises, it’s so quick! I like it very much, can imagine a lovely photo or illustration for it, & love “hopscotch winter sky away”!
This is such an inspiring writing activity! We had a bit of debate with my tween students recently, about what separates poetry from prose, and this would be a great way to work through that question, by looking at the way both words and structure are tools at the poet’s disposal!
Tightened and beautiful, Patricia! Hats off!
Patricia, excuse the late coming to your blog. I felt peace while reading your line break revisions. The words melted like snow on a sunny day. I would have enjoyed being a silent partner in the Nevermores’ conversation. I found the terseness of the second poem a beauty.